1. You’re Too Needy
There’s no faster way to repel a man than to need him. Wanting a man is not the same as needing one.
Neediness is a state of mind where you
feel incomplete, or have an emotional void, and try to fill this empty
space with a relationship or male validation. A lot of women confuse
men’s aversion to neediness with men’s supposed aversion to commitment.
But men aren’t commitment phobes (at least, the majority are not). A man
will happily enter into a relationship with a woman who sees and appreciates him
for exactly who he is. Conversely, a man will run far away from a
woman who sees him as an opportunity to feel good about herself or fill
some void.
A guy wants to feel chosen by a woman he had to earn. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s just filling a spot that could have easily gone to any other man with a pulse.
Solution: Neediness
usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or sense of worth. You feel
like something is missing within yourself or in your life and
erroneously believe a relationship will be the cure. If you were unhappy
before the relationship, you’ll be unhappy in it. Instead of feeling
sorry for yourself about being single, work on your relationship with
yourself. Work on feeling your best and looking your best. When you are
the best you that you can be, you won’t be able to keep men away!
2. You’re Too Picky
Most women are usually at one extreme or
the other: desperate and willing to put up with anything, or too picky
and unwilling to “settle” for anything less than their dream man.
In this day and age, we’re saturated with unrealistic love sagas and have developed an idea of what love should be and not of what love is,
as I discussed in chapter two. We’re told that love conquers all, but
in truth love alone does not make for a good and healthy relationship.
(I mean, just about every divorced couple loved each other at some
point.) We want to be swept off our feet and taken over by this
all-consuming feeling of euphoria and harmony. If we’re not feeling the
intensity on the first date, we’ll write the guy off and say there was
no “spark.”
Another problem is that most women have
adopted a sometimes inflexible idea that it’s “better to be alone than
to settle.” Taken to an extreme, this mindset causes many women to close
themselves off to guys with amazing traits just because of some
superficial flaw that rules him out as their dream guy. The longer
you’re single, the worse this can get because you might start telling
yourself, “Well I’ve waited this long to find the one, I am not compromising on anything and deserve to get exactly what I want!”
It’s OK to have standards and to have an
idea of the kind of guy you want to be with, but it’s also important to
be a little flexible and realize that you might not get every single
thing you want, and that doesn’t mean you’re settling.
Maybe
you don’t like his job, maybe you don’t like the way he dresses, maybe
you think his hobbies are lame. This all might be true, but it’s
important to realize that these things don’t tell you who he is, and who he is might be a really wonderful, kind, caring person.
Solution: Make
a list of three non-negotiable qualities you need in a man. This does
not include things like how much money he makes or how far back his
hairline is. Money won’t make for a happy marriage, and neither will a
full head of hair, a chiseled jaw, or six-pack abs. Obviously you want
to be attracted to your husband, but try not to get so caught up in the
physical details. Also jot down three deal-breakers. This will help you
gain clarity and perspective and take you away from relying on the long
dating checklist you may have formed in your mind.
Next, when you go out with a guy and don’t
feel that all-consuming spark, don’t write him off. Unless there was
something that absolutely repulsed you about him, give him another shot.
A lot of women are way too quick to dismiss a guy before really giving
him a fair shot. I know more stories than I can even count of women who
went on a few meh dates with the men they eventually married.
Who knows where they would have ended up had they not given their future
husbands another shot.
My husband doesn’t have some of the main
qualities that I used to swear up and down I couldn’t live without.
Through our relationship, I can now see how the type of guy I thought I
wanted would have been a disaster when paired with my personality type.
I, like most people, thought I knew myself way better than I actually
did. Now every day I realize, with increasing awe, just how wrong I was
about what I thought I needed, because I am with a person who couldn’t
be more suited for me.
When you open your mind just a bit, you might find yourself very pleasantly surprised!
3. You Haven’t Worked on Yourself
The number one way to attract love is to make yourself into a vessel that can receive it.
A
successful relationship comes down to two things: the right person at
the right time. The first thing that’s important to remember when it
comes to relationships is that in general, like attracts like. That is,
what you are or think you are is what you will attract.
If
you don’t value yourself, you will go for someone who doesn’t treat you
well, and you will be OK with it because he’s just validating how you
feel about yourself.
If you are emotionally unavailable, you
will attract a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Now, you can want to
be in a relationship and at the same time be unavailable in your own
way. If you’re afraid of getting hurt or feel like the guys you want
always leave you, then you might subconsciously be putting up walls to
protect yourself.
In order to attract a real relationship,
you first need to make sure that you are in the right place emotionally.
Make sure you want a relationship for the right reasons, not just to
fill a void or make you feel better about yourself. You also need to
develop a firm sense of who you are and learn how to be happy without a
relationship.
It may seem like finding a great guy who
likes you and sticks around, whereas the others couldn’t or wouldn’t,
will take the sting out of past rejection, but it doesn’t work that way.
If you’re still holding onto hurt from the past, then it will spill
over into you relationships in the present.
Good self-esteem attracts someone capable
not only of healthy interactions but of loving you for who you are. If
you’re not sure of yourself inside, you’ll seek validation outside.
Solution: I have a friend
who asks herself every day: “Would I want to date me today?” I think
it’s a pretty amazing exercise and will help you realize where you’re
falling short and what you need to work on.
If you want an emotionally healthy,
confident, stable guy, then you need to make sure you mirror those
qualities at the same level. I mean, why would a guy like that want to
be with someone who is an insecure emotional mess? If you want that kind
of guy, you need to be that kind of girl.
As soon as you’re in that place where you
are your best self and you mirror the qualities you want, you’ll notice
an instant change in your love life; you’ll find that you can easily get
the kind of guy and the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted. This
path with be different for everyone, but try as best you can to
discover the best path for you.
4. You Want Guys Who Don’t Want You
One of the biggest obstacle standing in
your way and stopping you from having the relationship you want is
wanting the guys who don’t want you. It’s a ubiquitous phenomenon. Every
day my inbox gets flooded with questions from women plotting and
strategizing to capture a man who does not seem to want to be
captured…at least not by her.
I am an expert on the subject because for
far too many years the only guys who held any sort of intrigue for me
were the ones I couldn’t quite have. And the ones who were head over
heels in love with me and willing to do anything for me? Blech, I didn’t
want them. I wanted to want them and everything they offered, but I
just didn’t. And the heart wants what the heart wants, right?
Before I started dating my husband, I
dated a guy I’ll call Kevin. Kevin was yet another classic case of the
type of guy I just couldn’t seem to resist. He was charming,
charismatic, confident, fun, and always slightly beyond my grasp. He
also had some deep-rooted emotional problems to deal with and some major
commitment issues.
He was a classic “damage case,” a guy who
has a lot of potential hidden under a pile of issues. The “bad boy” who
needs to be saved. And like many women, I wanted to be his healer, to be
the woman who inspired him to break through his walls and finally
commit.
Damage cases are like a pair of super sexy
shoes that are brutally uncomfortable. When you look at them they’re
amazing—they’re beautiful and sexy and you have to have them. But when
you wear them you’re in agony. Then you take them off and experience
euphoric relief, the most incredible feeling. But this feeling doesn’t
come from gaining something positive, it comes from removing something
negative—pain. This experience is the same as dating an unavailable guy.
He seems to be everything you want, so
enticing you can’t resist him. But when you have him, you just feel pain
and discomfort. Your stomach is in knots as you wait for the next text,
or for a sign that he truly cares. Then he gives you some sort of
indication that he does, and you’re ecstatic; you feel a rush of
euphoria. But then he pulls back again and you’re back in those
unbearable shoes. Then he comes back, and relief. And on and on it goes.
When I was younger I kept chasing the high
of removing those painful shoes. And I thought if only X would happen,
then I would have that taking-shoes-off feeling forever. As I got older,
I realized I didn’t want to be on this roller coaster ride anymore. I
decided that a comfortable pair of shoes that gave me the support I
needed and a steady feeling of ease was much better than a sporadic
shocking jolt of relief.
Kevin was the catalyst for this
realization. It had been a while since I’d chased after a damage case,
and I thought I’d nipped that problem in the bud until he came along and
got me all twisted like a pretzel. It was devastating on many levels,
especially to my ego! I mean, I was supposed to know better at that
point—I was a relationship expert for crying out loud!
Solution: After a series
of letdowns, of high hopes and thinking things would be different,
followed by crushing disappointment and feeling like a fool for once
again thinking the same story would have a different ending, I made a
firm resolution to end this cycle for good. To make a lasting change
that would lead me to the kind of love and relationship I really wanted.
I was going to finally figure out why I kept going after the guys who
didn’t want me.
After being crushed by Kevin yet again, I
decided to sit down and ask myself some really tough questions. What was
I getting out of this relationship? Why was I so drawn to him even
though I objectively knew he wouldn’t be a good long-term partner? What
had he even given to me? I did a lot for him, but what had he ever
actually done to show me he cared? (The answer was nothing.)
I was getting nothing out of the
relationship except for quick shots of temporary validation whenever he
seemed to reciprocate my interest, and that is just so very sad. And
then I realized that I am not the kind of woman who needs that sort of
thing anymore. Maybe I did when I was younger, but I’m not that girl
anymore, and I don’t need to repeat history in order to subconsciously
mend some old wounds.
Next I looked at why I kept going back to
Kevin even though it was clear that the relationship was a dead end. I
thought long and hard about what I was getting from him that kept
drawing me back in, and the answer went beyond validation. I realized
that with Kevin I felt less alone and maybe a little understood. Like
me, he was a little lost and hurt, and that made me feel better in my
own world of lost and hurt.
I also considered what I was giving to the
relationship (if you could even call it that) and why. Why was I so
invested in solving his issues? Why was I so wrapped up in getting
inside his head? The reason, I believe, is that getting lost in his
drama was an escape from dealing with my own. I had a reprieve from my
own life and my own issues, one of which was why I was so drawn to
damage cases like Kevin! I felt like I had a mission and a purpose, and
that felt kind of nice…at least for a little while.
Once I saw the situation for what it was,
it lost all appeal for me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I
couldn’t get him to commit in the way I wanted, I felt sorry for him
for having so many issues, issues that prevented him from committing to a
great woman he had right in front of him.
Soon after I processed all of this and
healed, my high-school sweetheart, the one I’d never quite gotten over,
resurfaced. On our first date I could tell by the way he was looking at
me that he was already smitten, that he had graduated from being a
damage case (back when he was 17) to husband material, that he was
taking me and this seriously, and that I could trust him. There was no
hunt, no chase, no guessing games. I knew how he felt; I didn’t even
have to ask, it was just so obvious. And I knew I was cured from my
damage case addiction because the fact that he wanted me didn’t turn me
off. Instead it made him even more appealing.
And now we’re married! (And in case you’re
wondering, Kevin is still as single and afraid of commitment as ever…no
hard feelings though, I still run into him here and there, and we’re
friendly. I can’t help but laugh to myself when I think about all the
inner turmoil he caused…although he was also the catalyst that got me
emotionally ready to be in a relationship with my husband, so maybe I
owe him a thank you!)
Remember, damage cases are a waste of time
and energy. Wanting a guy who doesn’t want you is a tragedy. Time is a
precious thing to waste, so get to work and undo the faulty wiring that
leads you to the guys who can’t appreciate you.
More than anything else, the path that
leads to lasting love involves making yourself a vessel to receive love.
If you only want guys who can’t want you back then you are blocked, so
make the decision, right here and now, to push yourself to break free
and clear away all the obstacles preventing you from getting what you
truly want.
5. Faulty Filter Systems
A bad filter system sets you up for
failure before your relationship has a chance to get off the ground, if
you even get that far.
Everyone has a certain ingrained filter
system. This system is partially due to genetic wiring, but it is
largely shaped by our experiences. This filter system is often based on
our interests, desires, and fears. For instance, if you are afraid of
rejection, all you’ll pick up on is being rejected. A hundred people can
tell you how great and wonderful you are, but it won’t sink in. All
that will stand out to you is the one person who didn’t seem to be
interested in you.
If you put ten people in a room and have
them listen to a class and then ask them at the end what the class was
about, you’ll get ten different answers. The reason is we hone in on
things that appeal to us and serve our interests in some way and ignore
the rest. And what is focused on and what is ignored varies from one
person to the next.
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